5 Reasons We Should Let the U.N. Regulate School Lunches (April Fool’s)

5 Reasons We Should Let the United Nations (UN) Regulate School Lunches

5 Reasons We Should Let the United Nations (UN) Regulate School Lunches

Following the popularity and success of Common Core, the United Nations has endeavored to be involved in more aspects of the educational experience in U.S. public schools, as well as your child’s life.

common core

Not enough fruit in your children’s cafeterias? Help us make this Core more Common.

Surveys of students grades K–12 have shown an immense lack of understanding of what qualities food needs to comprise. Food needs to be:

  • low-calorie (because your kids are too fat)
  • virtually tasteless (so that they don’t eat too much)
  • hunger-inducing (because juice is healthy, and being hungry makes them want more juice—which makes them even hungrier for more juice!)
  • conserves the planet (i.e., environmentally conscious GMOs)
  • low-fat or no-fat (because fat clogs your “heart”eries ;-P)
  • vegetarian (because meat is bad for you—and animals, duh!)

tofu salad

Behold, the 50-calorie meal.

Let’s face it. The U.N. just has better ideas than our government (or any government for that matter, that’s why they’re the BIG government). Obviously, having central oversight over every country in the world, with all of its different backwards cultures and the confusion introduced when local communities want to have their own voice, is way better than local sovereignty. As Bill and Melinda Gates will tell you, bringing food to the masses is no exception to this rule. We can all agree that it’s about time the loving constituents of the U.N. need to rescue the indigenous peoples from the hands of greedy local farmers who want to gouge prices on produce, crops, and meats (which should be illegal anyway cause it tortures our “four-legged” global citizens).

So, I submit to you, five reasons why we need a U.N. oversight committee member for each and every school in the United States.

1. Michelle Obama’s Plan Is Not Good Enough

Michelle Obama and Fruits

I’m looking through her website right now. A lot of this stuff is headed in the right direction—skim milk, extra fruit, whole grains, low-calorie, and low saturated fat all emphasized. But you know what? We can do better. We need to make sure all the milk is chocolate (so kids will drink it, duh! Stuff needs to be sweet!)

And let’s just say what everyone has probably been thinking, we need the grains to be wholerless calories (so the kids don’t get fat), no salt, and no saturated fat so they don’t have heart disease attacks. Kids are dropping like flies from scrambled eggs, left and right. I knew a guy who died of suffocation after having a stroke while eating his scrambled eggs.

Cholesterol is bad, derp.

Nevermind the pesky USDA taking the limit off of cholesterol consumption. That’s just a conspiracy theory. Cholesterol is known to be bad and cause heart attacks, okay? I mean look at that stuff. If it does to your arteries anything close to what it does to sinks, man it’s amazing that your child hasn’t keeled over from just one egg. You are lucky if they have survived this negligence! Cholesterol also makes you stupid. I don’t have anything to back that up, I just know it because my cholesterol is through-the-floor and I’m super smart.

eggs are evil

To make Michelle’s plan better, I would try to require that sodium be chemically removed from all foods. We have the technology to process any and every item that enters your child’s mouth. Perhaps the U.N. could provide some of their advanced technology to process food even more. Processed food gets a bad rap, but perhaps that’s because it’s not processed enough. Let’s make some new machines to do the job! For millenia and millenia, people have been overeating salt and fat, and we are more civilized than that now! Maybe they could even implant some chips in our children that help to stop the body from absorbing fat and salt altogether, to stop all those child heart attacks.


Look at all these kids with chest pain! Too many eggs! Some of them don’t even know which side their heart’s on!

If a children must eat meat, it should go for chicken breast, because it has all that healthy protein and almost no fat. (We can remove the fat with GMO chemicals to get that pesky 1% of lard out.) For calories, they need some fruit on the side. I wish there was a way to fuse chicken breast with pure fructose, then they would have a healthy source of calories and protein. Fructose is the good sugar didn’t you know! Must be because it sounds like “fruit,” which we all know is good for you. That and a little more whole-grain bread and skim milk than the lovely Michelle recommends can help round out your child’s plate.

2. Assurance of GMO Compliance

Statistics show that there is an unacceptable percentage of non-GMO breeds of fruit, veggies, grains, and nuts. This is like punching Mother Earth in the nuts (no pun intended). With the incorporation of the U.N., in conjunction with Monsanto, we can really start a movement to completely modify the World’s crops so that they have better yields, less calories, and less fat. Also, we really need to find a way to up the RoundUp game, because it kills undesirable plants, bacteria, and worms that are killing our children.

Monsanto is doing some amazing things in their laboratories. We’ve been given all of these nasty crops that are out of control with nasty earthworms and weeds that get in the way, and we really need to finish what God started, and just make this stuff better. Agriculture has only begun starting to hold up muster for the amount of civilized (and uncivilized…ahem, third world) masses that need to be fed. Cereal grains in particular are the healthy fuel that feeds your children’s uvulas. Why not make do some clever cross-splicing, GMOers, and make bread with more gluten (which is a protein and therefore healthy—sorry Paleos)?

3. Embedded Vaccines

Vaccine compliance has become an issue of late. Ignorant yokels who hug trees and love their Bible guns are ruining it for everyone by ignorantly clinging to their right to “choose” what goes into their children’s body. I guess they haven’t herd of immunity? Now, the vast numbers of dead measles and polio victims they’ve left in their tracks are crying out from their mass graves (plague trenches) for the U.N. to come and save them from these consti-terrorists.

The U.N. can easily package vaccines as oral antigens and bake them into some low-fat, high-gluten brownies (with no salt might I add-ed). This way, we won’t need to worry about compliance at the doctor’s office. For those insane parents who wish to homeschooler their kids, we can start delivering them via tap water, the same way we’ve been preventing cavities with tap-delivered (and miraculous) fluoride for decades. By the way, have you gotten your flu shot? You haven’t?! TERRORIST!

cdc nose vaccine

4. Calorie Limit

I cannot emphasize enough that calories are a problem, and they make you fat. The First Law of Thermodynamics by Isaac Newton (the inventor of Gravity, duh!) pretty much says that whatever you eat, you have to poop out. And some kids just don’t poop enough! For the kids who don’t, we might be overfeeding them?

So I’m sorry, Queen Michelle, but you’ve gotta lower those cals in your meals. Some of her proposed school meals are known to contain more than 100 calories! If one kid eats two of these meals in a day, that would add up to more than 200++ calories plus! Doesn’t that sound like a lot of food?! Especially with all of those plus signs in it (double plus good by the way…)

Too much for your 9-year-old I think, who is putting on some serious rolls (but not from the bread rolls—those are good) from all the calories you’re feeding him I’m sure after he throws away his Obama veggies and pounds down some Whole milk! It’s supposed to be whole grains not Whole milk, Mr./Mrs. Threat-to-the-Homeland!

5. Better Wi-Fi

Studies on schools like Sandy Hook Elementary School show that only 75% of cafeterias have WiFi access in cafeterias. And of those, only like 50% of the routers have multiple bands (you need like 5 antennas now to get any kind of signal). This is unacceptable. Students need to be able to use their iPhone/Droid calorie-counting apps after eating without having to use up their 4G minutes. And these poor children (in black communities mostly) need WiFi so that those minutes are free.

Also, make sure that their Bluetooth feature is on, because it makes them able to access the internet faster so they can look up Nutrition Facts on their lunches from Princess Michelle. God lover, she can’t be there to supervise each and every tray of food that your obese child takes away from that overcrowded lunch line. The U.N. can provide that, though!


U.N.’s proposed “cafeteria lady” garb

Also, we’re working on something called “smart” food, which will have nanobots which monitor calories, salt, and fat in your child so that they are never too high and always get lower and lower. If the child eats too many calories, the bots will deliver a static shock (which is good for them) and alert the NSA. Calories also will be absorbed less by your child, using this technology. Each and every one of these nanomachine wonders will house a SIM card, so that other nanobots can connect on social media and talk to each other about the health of the “host” and compare data for better control of the population. This will also help with terrorism. So that’s a win-win.

static wi fi kid


We are on the brink of a revolution of new technology that will make eating eventually unnecessary. Until then, we’ll make sure your children get fed acceptable food approved and funded by the State. How else will your children be safe if their food is from nasty local farms and cesspools like Chipotle. Do you want your kids to get e. coli? Really.

About Rob 70 Articles
Rob was the valedictorian of his high school (his last claim to fame), but now believes that academics are overrated. He is a musician and former copy editor, and is now studying independently as an amateur nutritionist, businessman, and writer/rocker against world government and for liberty. He is also attempting to obtain a PhD in squats, deadlifts, shoulder raises, rows, bench press, dips, and pull-ups.

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