Debunking the Toxin Theory

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If you’ve paid attention to the news or health entertainment lately, you may have noticed a mostly annoying, but in reality quite disturbing trend. There has been a rash of gurus and experts promoting the avoidance of “chemicals” and “toxins” in food and the environment. These fearmongers thrive on your panic, offering you bottled miracles in the form of overpriced supplements that are marketed as ways to help you “detox” and/or give you the missing “nutrients” you need to “detox” all of the chemicals from our “toxic” modern landscape. I am here to break this illusion and tell you that toxins aren’t real, and there is no such thing as a dangerous chemical.

Chemicals Are Good for You

Chemical drink

Chemicals evolved from the primordial ooze, just like people. They are manipulated and manufactured nowadays to serve the needs of progress, the government, aristocrats, and lowly proletariat people. If you believe in God, then you can be sure that a loving God would want us to use chemicals to fill in the void that nature left, especially in the area of agriculture, where weeds and bugs constantly threaten to prevent humans from getting their whole grains, fruit, and low-fat margarine servings for the day. Chemicals are also needed for chemotherapy, because God didn’t want people to suffer from cancer like cavemen used to. We are smarter than cancer!

Of course, I’m just kidding. Everything is made of chemicals. Even water is a chemical. Enough water can kill you, so in your face. That’s in your face. I said that.

Toxins are Imaginary


Don’t even get me started on toxins. If an article you read on the Internet says the word toxin in it, it’s a lie. Toxins was a term invented by monks in feudal Japan that claimed you could live longer, grow stronger, and attain the power of flight if you detoxed. If you guessed that this was a scam, you’d be right/correct. It goes right up there with whoppers like the lymphatic system, gut bacteria, and the existence of yeast.

Yes, we’d all like to believe that there are evil particles out there responsible for all of our woes and illness, and that by drinking some good green juice or swallowing some activated charcoal or seaweed pills we can “bind” the evil and “expel” it from our “system.” But really, all this amounts to is something that turns your poop black or green (or black and green). Might be a fun story for the kids, but it ain’t cleaning the “evil dust” out of your colon like you think. Probably not a bad idea to get a colonic and clean out some of that und’gested red meat, though. At least those health nuts had a logical idea there—red meat is like pure cancer, which is arguably evil.

I get all of my sources from Mayo Clinic, who is the science authority, and they said (while ridiculously acknowledging the existence of toxins) that this crap doesn’t work to detox you. Yeah, a detox diet eliminates fatty, sugary food, so obviously it will help you lose weight, but toxins are not even an issue.

Low-Toxin Coffee is BS

starbucks baby coffee

Dave Assprey is the Bulletproof Executive. He hocks gadgets and gizmos that will “biohack” your system for “high performance,” which is clear scam language (scam-guage?) You have to be careful of people offering solutions that don’t work. If you eat his diet of mostly fat (and most of it they recommend be saturated!), I guarantee you will have a heart attack in two weeks. The people on the forums who have good results are just genetically predispositioned to lose weight better and not have heart attacks. Even Dave himself just luckily happens to have a rockin’ bod. Jes’ ask my science sista, Yvette d’Entremont, who I just linked back there in ye old last sentence. You know, if there was a God, I’d thank him for sending people like the SciBabe with some sense to debunk all of this junk science out there.

Dave claims that there are mycotoxins in coffee that need to be something to worry about. It’s simply not true. I’ve never seen evidence of mold grown in a coffee bean bag. That’s not where mold is grown. People just want something to worry about, like gluten. (Gluten-free is only necessary for the 1% of us who have celiac disease, duh!)

Man, just talking about this stuff gets me so hyped up and pissed. I’m piping, man. There is so much misinformation. It’s just a bunch of people trying to make a name for themselves with all their woo-woo bull. Woo-woo Paleo, woo-woo toxins, woo-woo this, woo-woo woo!

Hopefully, more articles by this Authority Nutrition website will come out debunking this mycotoxin woo-woo. Even they acknowledge the presence of mycotoxins, even though you and I know that toxins are just a myth.

Glyphosate Makes You Healthier


That’s right, I said what everyone has been thinking. This makes me much edgier than you. It’s edgy to side with the corporations. Because, duh, of course. They wouldn’t be famous if they didn’t provide a good product. They are also the ones with all the technology and the funding. They wouldn’t want to poison customers that give them money, cuz if they did, they’d be dead and no more money. Derp.

Studies are also correct in saying that glyphosate is good for you. This one for example. Some are concerned about the effects of glyphosate on gut bacteria, but once you hear them start talking about the gut bacteria woo-woo, you better just turn the other way and walk away right then and there. They are trippin’.

Someone told me antibiotics were toxins, but I didn’t even believe him. Antibiotics are good, though. Pretty much, the more courses you take, the healthier you will be. Haven’t you heard of the germ theory? Oh, that’s right, you don’t so much do science, do you?

But if glyphosate acts like an antibiotic like this guy is saying, it must be good.

Besides, if toxins and pesticides like RoundUp were bad for you, then the EPA or the FDA would do something about it. These benevolent government bodies are presiding over you and looking out for your best interest. Anyone who questions them is a dangerous conspiracy theorist, and should be placed on a watchlist. Homeland Security, Zuckerberg, NSA, and Prism, I’m looking in your direction. Get on it!

Antivax is a Deadly Lie


This incredibly talented young boy from Spain seems to have debunked all concerns about vaccines, too. Wow, he is actually smarter than Joseph Mercola and Vani Hari put together. It’s pretty sad actually. I won’t even joke around, because parents are killing their kids by not vaccinating. It’s actually really dangerous and serious, and these people should be arrested (if not shot). Just for now, though, keep your children away from my children, because vaccines don’t work unless everyone takes them. That’s a fact, okay? Way to ruin society.

Some say there are toxins in vaccines, and mercury. Though I don’t know about toxins, I do know that the amount of these natural substances is what you would find just walking down the street, in thermometers, in salmon, or in trash dumps. You know, regular exposures in the real world where you should expect to inhale some mercury sometimes. Just get over your chemophobia and accept it, whiners.

So I hope you’ve all learned some science from me today. Unlike others, I actually cite my references, and it’s all proven by double-blind, peer-reviewed studies with reproducible results.


Our servers were hacked last night, and all that had changed was that a badly (even neglectfully) sourced, almost sarcastic article had shown up in our All Posts section on WordPress. It was scheduled to post today, and after careful consideration, we decided not to fight it, because we want you to see the mentality of the modern governo-corporate progressive in its most raw and passionate form. Judge for yourself whether this person, Shilling, has any decent points.

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